Sam and Emma: A Love Story in Emails - 18

February 6, 2007

My Dearest Emma,

Both of  our lives, yours and mine, have taken a very
similar path. Each of us has had our issues, but we
are both being confronted with many of the same
dilemmas and problems.

We both have had to “find ourselves.”  You know, I am
really not exactly sure what that means anymore. It is
certainly means figuring out who we are in terms of
the sort of person we want to be. It also has to do
with figuring out what things work for us and what
things don’t. It means figuring out what aspects of
our life are more important  than other things and
which things are very low on our list of priorities.
It has to do with our take on relationships and how
well we handle relationships with other people and
with things, like food, money or sex. It is about our
obsessions, good and otherwise. It is about what makes
us happy and what distresses us. I guess this notion
of finding oneself is simply the process one must go
through to clearly define in one’s own mind that
person reflected back from a mirror.

However, as we both have discovered, just because we
might have found ourselves, we still have not resolved
any of our problems or necessarily faced down any of
our demons. If anything, we have simply come to terms
with who we are as a person. We have just established
the baseline from which we can then begin to
productively build a life for ourselves. We have moved
past mourning over the person that we would have liked
to have been but are not. Once and for all, we have
finally  accepted the reality of who we are, warts and
all. Now we are ready to get on with our lives… to
move on to the part in which we actually get to live
our life and experience it in a more productive way.

You may want to rethink the way that you view your
evolving relationship with your parents. I do
understand your current dilemma with regard to that
relationship. You feel constrained and feel like you
are being forced to become a child all over again, in
having to live under your parent’s roof. Well, this is
one of those moments at which you have to force a
change. You have to do what it will take to redefine
your relationship with your mom and dad, in that you
must reestablish yourself as an adult who is allowed
to make her own decisions and live here own
independent life. Your parents will only come to see
you as an adult, after a struggle. But that I think is
the first step in the process, and it is really more
important for you to see yourself as an adult, long
before they do. The transition may be a little bumpy
in terms of what you have to do to make them
understand the change. But it is very important for
you to redefine that relationship in your own mind
first, before anything will change for the better.

Also, once you are in your own place, you can begin to
play the role of caregiver for your parents.
Apparently the time has come for you to do this. Both
of us have reached that stage of our lives and now we
must assume that responsibility as our parents get
older and begin to need our help. Rather than see this
new role as a burden, try to see this as just the next
stage of your life. And it is also an opportunity to
be the adult we are supposed to be at our age.

The important thing is that if there were a time when
you needed to have you own personal house in order… by
that, I mean your life, it is now. Sooner than later
you will be taking care of your parents needs.
Becoming a caregiver of your parents  is a very normal
development in the cycle of your life. You won’t be
able to effectively take care of them until you have
become a functioning adult. Being grown up is not
particularly a lot of fun. But, my love, it is a 1000%
better than seeing ourselves as still immature or
being seen by others as less than grownup. To me when
that happens, life really sucks. So this is an
opportunity… a  compelling reason to finish the
process of growing up and letting your parents and
everyone else clearly know and see that you have.

We are all works in progress. We are always changing
and learning and growing into something more than we
were yesterday. Eventually, I hope you can learn to
live in the moment and to be able to enjoy the moment
in which you find yourself. Make the most of what you
have, my love, instead of too often only seeing what
is missing or lacking in the moment you are living.
Life is so short, Emma. Life was meant to enjoyed… to
be savored. Whether we can do that or not will depend
on how we choose to look at ourselves, our lives… the
world. And  also on what we choose to do about our
particular situation. I have always suggested to you
that how your life turns out, to a significant extent,
depends on how you choose to see things and what you
choose to do about the issues/problems in your life.
Make your choices wisely and well, my love. This life
is not a dress rehearsal. It is the real thing and we
get only one shot at happiness and being fulfilled.
Try to make the best of it.

Stay well. Take good care of yourself.

With deep and profound love,

Sam

To be continued...