On the Way to Getting My Life Back on Track

I cannot clearly remember the last time that I felt really good about things or when I really felt like a nominally functional person. It wasn't all that long ago, to be sure, but at the moment I would be hard pressed to tell you exactly when I did. At the moment, my life has a lot of loose ends. A lot of things have happened to me over the last couple of months. I haven't done a great deal of meaningful writing in that time and as a result a lot of the recent past is something of a blur in my memory.

I can pick out specific events. A very pleasant vacation in December. Two auto accidents and in the second accident, a near brush with death. The company I worked for was bought out and my job disappeared. A moment at a stone-setting at a cemetery when I realized that had the second accident turned out differently, I could be interred there rather than being standing above ground, very much alive. My youngest daughter and her husband left Houston to live in London. But of all the moments in between, I have little or no recollection of at this moment.

But I am going to recover from all the setbacks and shocks to my life. I know that I am finally starting to get things back on track because I am doing something I haven't done in awhile. I am starting to frame the critical questions I need to be asking myself. In such periods of our lives, we have to start with asking ourselves well-framed questions... important questions... focused questions. Why? Because if we don't ask those sorts of questions, we can't find the answers/resolution to our problems and issues.

I guess I already knew that. It is just that I have had to contend with a lot of things of late, and I wasn't thinking very clearly. What I needed was some distance from all the setbacks and distractions. With each passing day, I am being given that distance and I remembered tonight what questions I needed to be asking myself right now.

I seem to have lost any sense of structure to my life. How am I going to rebuild that structure so that once again I will have something to which I can look forward every morning?

What do I need to do to get organized again?

What do I need to do to get employed again?

What do I need to be doing to feel good about things again?

What do I need to do first, then second, etc?

Who do I need to help me get through this impasse in my life, because I will not get on with my life only on my own efforts? I am going to need the love, encouragement and support of my friends and my family to get through this.

Even in the best of times, there are going to be problems and obstacles to be overcome. I have been through periods like this earlier in my life, some of which were a lot worse than this one. I got through them in the past and I will get through this particular bumpy part of my life in one piece and in good spirits.

I am starting to feel a little better. That is definitely a good thing. However, now it is time to do something very proactive about this situation. It is time to roll up my shirt sleeves, get off my rear end, find the answers and most importantly, take corrective action. It is a start. Only a start. And in large measure, it will mostly be up to me to do this. And I will say a prayer or two as I struggle back to reestablish a fragile equilibrium in my life. It certainly can't hurt my cause.

I am going to give myself time to heal. It took awhile for my life to get this messy. It will take some time for me to make things right again. I am going to have to just take things one day a time. With each passing day, things will get a little better and in time, I will be able to breath a little easier. It is just going to take some time.

To Syfox, I want to say, thank you for stopping by from time to time and caring about what happens to me... for being such a thoughtful friend. To Roland and Sinath, please know that I could not have gotten through this without you. And to my daughters, Heather and Jennifer, to Parker, my beloved granddaughter, to my son-in-laws, Ben,and Tino, and especially to my wife, Marilyn, I love you all so very much and I profoundly need you all to be a part of my life. Your love, devotion and support are the most important reasons that I have for wanting to keep going, when my life has become difficult.

Life is never easy, but I have never been willing to let my spirit be broken by anybody or anything. And I am not going to start doing that now. I will keep you posted regarding this particular pilgrim's progress.

Kindest Regards,

Howard Fireman
Houston, Texas