Walking the Tightrope...Finding A Balance

A saying of Rabbi Hillel: "If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?"

Growing up, we hear a boatload of "wise sayings" and we are taught that we need to remember these phrases. "Someday," our elders solemnly intone to us, "Those words will be worth knowing." And when we are young, we reply, "Yeah. Right." And even when we hear something that does resonate with us and our generation, we can only really understand them in terms of what we have experienced so far in our lives, which usually is not a lot, when we are younger.

All of us have certain books we love very much. On the first reading, we find something in those particular books which is memorable or thrilling or life-changing. Later, upon rereading one of these books, we not only rediscover that which enthralled us in the first place, but also begin to see something entirely different or find entirely new levels of meaning that we didn't see before.

Looking at the saying of Rabbi Hillel, above, you might be tempted to say, "Okay. That is pretty straightforward. If I don't take care of my own needs, who is going to do that for me. You know, looking out for number one first. A very 21st century notion. Being selfish and self-centered is okay, sometimes. But then, if that is all that I am, a total "Me!!!" sort of person, am I going to be able to live with myself, much less other people even wanting to be around me?" The final question of when is it okay to be selfish and when does one have to put the need of others first...even that question isn't that difficult to understand.

Here's the thing. The longer you live, the more you experience. The more you experience, the more you know about how the world really works. You fall in love with someone and your world is turned upside down. You get married and with your spouse, have children and your world changes overnight. You trade in the two-seater sports car that you love for an SUV. You become a daddy or a mommy. Your priorities change. You trade clubbing on Saturday night for changing diapers and watching your children grow up, strong and healthy. And so on. And before you know it, your children have grown up and they have children of their own.

So whether you have made the transition from being a twenty-something to a thirty-something and later on to a forty-something... with every change you see the world with new eyes. Your realities have changed. You understand more because you have made it through yet one more stage of your live, successfully or maybe, not so successfully. At any rate, the three parts of Hillel's bit of wisdom begin to mean a whole lot more than they did before.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me?" After awhile, that begins to translate into: "If I cannot take care of myself, how am I going to be able to take of anyone else? If I don't get a good job and make sure I get that promotion, I won't be able to pay the house note or the car note. We won't be able to go on vacation this year. If I don't start our 401k early enough, my spouse and I are going to be in deep trouble when it comes time to retire. And what about the kid's college fund?" Suddenly, taking care of number one first isn't being selfish. It simply means being pragmatic... practical... sensible. Up to a point, that is.

Like all things, that has a flip side. "And if I am only for myself, what am I?" Once again, let's translate that into words to which we can kind of relate. We are forced to say to ourselves, "However, I am not the only person in the world. There is my significant other and (maybe) my kids. My parents. And of course, I have to be there for my good friends. And during the holidays, I want to make sure that the people who don't have anything to eat on Christmas Day get a meal. And if there is tsunami in Asia this year....." Well, you get the idea.

We are part of this larger thing we call the community. We want to be full-fledged members so we have to pay our dues. So we do. But belonging comes with a cost. We have to take some of our time, our money and our energy and give it to other people. And sometimes, it is money or time or energy that we really do need to use in pursuit of our own goals and aspirations. But we give these things away anyway, because that is the price we have to pay to join the human race as a full-fledged member.

So here is the tricky part. How do I strike a balance between these two competing considerations?
Don't look at me. I am never always certain how to accomplish that. Every day is a new day and with each new day, the circumstances change. I am a high wire walker just like the rest of you. Folks, I just play it by ear and hope that I make the right decision each time. Being able to strike a balance and knowing what to do about this conundrum every day of my life is not an easy thing to do. I just do the best I can and I suppose so does everyone else, as well, which makes everyone of us A Fiddler On the Roof*, doesn't it?


*A person who tries to stand on a very steep roof and who tries to play a violin there, while doing his best not to lose his balance or fall off the roof and break his neck.