Going With the Flow and Swimming Against the Current
By my watch, it is now 1:46 in the morning. I got home from work about 45 minutes ago. I took the dog for his walk and gave him his treat. Then I walked over to the computer where I find myself at this very moment writing a post for my blog. What is wrong with this picture?
Common sense tells me that I could write this post in the morning when I am fresh and my mind is very clear. But I know the reality of the situation. If I do not write my piece right now, the idea will just end up on list of articles that I intend to write... but which I will probably never get around to writing. On my desk in front of me is just one such list that I created so that I would not forget some ideas I had a day or two ago. I have not yet found the time to write one of them.
I am caught between two opposing urges. One is to just go with the flow in my life, especially now that things are going well for me. That means to find a stopping point every day at a reasonable hour and just go to bed. On the other hand, I have these little obsessions that drive me, in my case the need to write every day. I have this compulsion to make some time for writing every day, even if I have to steal time from the night, when I should be sleeping.
On one hand, I am working two jobs and have a thousand things I need to do every tomorrow and not enough time to do all of them. If I go to sleep right now, I might get enough sleep to get through the day tomorrow, without becoming a sleep-deprived zombie. That would be sensible. And along with this, there is that notion of keeping up the forward momentum in my life. Things are starting to go well for me. It makes no sense whatsoever to do something that might jeopardize my new job, which being half-asleep at work might very well do.
The other side of this coin is that sometimes I have this inner urge to do exactly that which does not make any sense. Why should I be sitting here in the middle of the night, listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons and pouring my thoughts into the computer? Because a gut instinct inside of me tells me that there is some justifiable logic in doing this, although I am not really sure what it is. Doing that which does not always make sense sometimes just feels like the right thing to do.
I have lived too much of my life up to now, mindlessly running from one task or chore or duty to another. After awhile I start to live on autopilot and the only thoughts that are in my head focus on what items still remain undone on my to do list. At the end of the day, even if I was bone tired I usually try to get at least one more thing done. For most of my life, I have lived my life using a variation of that lifestyle, giving little thought to where I was going or to what I was I was doing.. or for what reasons I was headed in that direction.
That damned to do list sets the direction of my life, sometimes in one direction and sometimes in another. As things fall off, new items slip onto the list. It is a never-ending process. I know that is just the normal reality of our lives. So if my life seems to be going in the right direction and things seem to be pretty much in balance, why the hell would I want to head off recklessly in a direction that does not benefit me financially or in any other identifiable way?
Why indeed? I think that sometimes we get locked into our routines and we begin to lose our sense of what it means to be alive. We are afraid to stop even for a moment from doing the normal stuff that fills our days. We are afraid of what people will think if we give into our selfish obsessions, like being an artist or a writer... like following our dreams and aspirations... like daring to be a little different than other people. There are times in our lives during which we need to filter out all the negative vibes directed at us. There are times during which we have to ignore the criticisms and disapproval that others direct at us as we strive to become the person we were meant to be. In short, there will be times that something within us compels us to choose to swim against the current.
Each of us has some very special, G'd-given talent or ability. For each of us, there is something that we feel compelled to do, because our gut instinct tells us we have to do it... because we feel energized and excitingly alive when we are doing it. Many times, other people will be incapable of understanding our state of mind when we are involved in that activity or pursuit. It is important only that we allow ourselve the luxury of indulging ourselves, because unless we do allow ourselves to take time away from the daily grind of life, we will be missing the very things that make our life worth living.
I have been given the ability to write well. I feel special when I am writing a story or a bit of commentary. I feel empowered when I am able to see the patterns of human experience and to share my discoveries with others through my writings. I feel the need to set some time aside every day to do some writing, no matter how busy I am or even if I am utterly exhausted.
I am not suggesting that we all abandon our responsibilities and duties to live a purely bohemian existence. Our world still needs for us to do our particular thing to keep it going. I am just saying that we should not simply settle for becoming drones who move mindlessly through their lives until one day we just die. Does any one of us want to settle for having lived his or her life life like that? Hopefully not. I certainly am not going to do that.
I understand that there will be times when it is wise for me to go with the flow. I also understand that there will be times when I have to buck the tide and to do my own thing. No one else has to understand why I feel compelled to this. Most of the time I don't really care if they do or not. The one thing I know with a certainty is that I have spent a lot of time doing things that needed to be done but which I did not particularly enjoy or like doing. They were things I just had to do. So why is it so terribly wrong if from time to time I feel the need to escape from the deadening routine and to swim against the current when I do? Who does it actually hurt if I do? And how much am I hurting myself if I don't?
Common sense tells me that I could write this post in the morning when I am fresh and my mind is very clear. But I know the reality of the situation. If I do not write my piece right now, the idea will just end up on list of articles that I intend to write... but which I will probably never get around to writing. On my desk in front of me is just one such list that I created so that I would not forget some ideas I had a day or two ago. I have not yet found the time to write one of them.
I am caught between two opposing urges. One is to just go with the flow in my life, especially now that things are going well for me. That means to find a stopping point every day at a reasonable hour and just go to bed. On the other hand, I have these little obsessions that drive me, in my case the need to write every day. I have this compulsion to make some time for writing every day, even if I have to steal time from the night, when I should be sleeping.
On one hand, I am working two jobs and have a thousand things I need to do every tomorrow and not enough time to do all of them. If I go to sleep right now, I might get enough sleep to get through the day tomorrow, without becoming a sleep-deprived zombie. That would be sensible. And along with this, there is that notion of keeping up the forward momentum in my life. Things are starting to go well for me. It makes no sense whatsoever to do something that might jeopardize my new job, which being half-asleep at work might very well do.
The other side of this coin is that sometimes I have this inner urge to do exactly that which does not make any sense. Why should I be sitting here in the middle of the night, listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons and pouring my thoughts into the computer? Because a gut instinct inside of me tells me that there is some justifiable logic in doing this, although I am not really sure what it is. Doing that which does not always make sense sometimes just feels like the right thing to do.
I have lived too much of my life up to now, mindlessly running from one task or chore or duty to another. After awhile I start to live on autopilot and the only thoughts that are in my head focus on what items still remain undone on my to do list. At the end of the day, even if I was bone tired I usually try to get at least one more thing done. For most of my life, I have lived my life using a variation of that lifestyle, giving little thought to where I was going or to what I was I was doing.. or for what reasons I was headed in that direction.
That damned to do list sets the direction of my life, sometimes in one direction and sometimes in another. As things fall off, new items slip onto the list. It is a never-ending process. I know that is just the normal reality of our lives. So if my life seems to be going in the right direction and things seem to be pretty much in balance, why the hell would I want to head off recklessly in a direction that does not benefit me financially or in any other identifiable way?
Why indeed? I think that sometimes we get locked into our routines and we begin to lose our sense of what it means to be alive. We are afraid to stop even for a moment from doing the normal stuff that fills our days. We are afraid of what people will think if we give into our selfish obsessions, like being an artist or a writer... like following our dreams and aspirations... like daring to be a little different than other people. There are times in our lives during which we need to filter out all the negative vibes directed at us. There are times during which we have to ignore the criticisms and disapproval that others direct at us as we strive to become the person we were meant to be. In short, there will be times that something within us compels us to choose to swim against the current.
Each of us has some very special, G'd-given talent or ability. For each of us, there is something that we feel compelled to do, because our gut instinct tells us we have to do it... because we feel energized and excitingly alive when we are doing it. Many times, other people will be incapable of understanding our state of mind when we are involved in that activity or pursuit. It is important only that we allow ourselve the luxury of indulging ourselves, because unless we do allow ourselves to take time away from the daily grind of life, we will be missing the very things that make our life worth living.
I have been given the ability to write well. I feel special when I am writing a story or a bit of commentary. I feel empowered when I am able to see the patterns of human experience and to share my discoveries with others through my writings. I feel the need to set some time aside every day to do some writing, no matter how busy I am or even if I am utterly exhausted.
I am not suggesting that we all abandon our responsibilities and duties to live a purely bohemian existence. Our world still needs for us to do our particular thing to keep it going. I am just saying that we should not simply settle for becoming drones who move mindlessly through their lives until one day we just die. Does any one of us want to settle for having lived his or her life life like that? Hopefully not. I certainly am not going to do that.
I understand that there will be times when it is wise for me to go with the flow. I also understand that there will be times when I have to buck the tide and to do my own thing. No one else has to understand why I feel compelled to this. Most of the time I don't really care if they do or not. The one thing I know with a certainty is that I have spent a lot of time doing things that needed to be done but which I did not particularly enjoy or like doing. They were things I just had to do. So why is it so terribly wrong if from time to time I feel the need to escape from the deadening routine and to swim against the current when I do? Who does it actually hurt if I do? And how much am I hurting myself if I don't?
posted by hfireman | 1:42 AM
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