Going From Here to There... Wherever "There" Turns Out to Be

Well, folks, this is day 2 or 3 of the next part of my life. I have put one foot in front of the other a couple of times now and I am starting to move on.

I have to figure out what the "big" question of the moment is. That is, I need to do first things first, now that the landscape of my life has been substantially changed. So what is that first thing I need to be doing here and now?

I am trying to get a sense of my present situation. For me, it is sort of like sitting in a theater watching the tech crew change sets between scenes of a play. The storyline of the play is that of my life, and I haven't seen the script for the next scene or for the acts to follow, so I am not sure what the new set will look like. Actually no one does, because that part of the script hasn't even been written. All I know is that all the props for my job are gone. The wreck of my Hyundai has been moved off-stage. A few other changes. Nothing tragic or dramatic here. Just life happening, so I am feeling few regrets. Things change over time and that is just how life is.

I am looking to see what is still left on the stage. I see the set for my home and my family. Off to the right is part of the synagogue where I belong and where I am a teacher. A character on-stage bears a striking resemblance to my good friend, Roland. Some of the players who are more or less peripheral characters in the story of my life are wandering across the stage still. Only now there are fewer than there were before.

For the moment, even the tech people are not sure how to replace those things which have disappeared from the landscape of my life. There is an uncertainty about what comes next and I am afraid that is somewhat my fault. I have put off making some very important decisions... I have procrastinated in deciding what I am going to do next in my life. I am running out of time. I am running out of money. And running out of money has forced me to move quickly to find a job. Cash flow, you know. The green stuff is becoming a little scarce.

The fellows on the stage look out in the audience at me for some kind of clue as to what kind of props they should try to find. I tell them to give me a few days and I let them know.

That is how I see all this playing out for me. Sort of like Roxie, in Chicago. Each step towards her trial turned into a splashy Broadway production number. Well, for me, it is the set of play, and nothing can be done until the next scene and the next act is actually written. And I have to make that happen.

You are saying this is all nice visual stuff, but what does it really mean?

At the moment, I am essentially running an inventory of my life. Certain elements of my life have simply disappeared. Some things have changed. What is important is what is still left. What do I have remaining with which to put my life back together again in a rational way that could possibly work out okay.

I do have a wonderful family. My wife, two daughters and their husbands, a terrific granddaughter and a very large extended family. So long as I remember that, I won't feel alone or isolated or without moral support.

I have a few very good and very true friends, which is as much as any honest person can actually claim to have. So again, I am not alone in what can be a very lonely world.

I belong to a small synagogue. The real virtue of that small community is that is is a supportive community that has made me feel that I have a meaningful place within it. I make a difference there. I am valued by the community and I value inclusion in that community in return.

I do some volunteer work and so there is another place in this city where I have a place and where I make a difference.

And most of all, at those times when I can keep a clear head, I have my own self-respect and a healthy dose of self-esteem, without ever going to the extreme of being overly impressed with myself. I have a pretty clear sense of who I am, now.

The only question which remains is what do I want now? Right now?
An important question with an easy answer. I just want to be working again. Once I am working and the money is coming in again, everything else will fall into place, all things being equal. As they say, first things first. Because I am heading towards survival mode, financially, and this is what I need and want at the moment. I have to act on this matter immediately.

So there you have it. What I have in my portfolio of assets. What I need to be doing in the immediate present. Now life is going to become a little easier for me because I know what I need to do asap.

I have taught the kids in my Sunday school classes that the most important thing we can do in our lives is to carefully frame the questions we pose to ourselves, when life presents good times or bad times. If we don't ask good questions, how the hell are we ever going to get answers that are worth anything at all. I just figured that I would follow my own advice.

When things are off-kilter, life is not very much fun at all. I have a lot I will need to do and I have a long way to travel in time before my life will begin to resemble something reasonably "normal." So I will just take things one day at a time, until things begin to turn around for the better.

This is the end of my progress report. Pilgrim's Progress, Chapter 79 or something like that. Stay tuned because the next chapter might just be a thriller... or not.

Kindest regards,

Howard Fireman
Houston, Texas
USA