Making Sense of It All

I haven't been able to make a whole lot of sense out of all the things that have happened to me in the recent past. Maybe, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense if I were able to do that, given that I am still so close to these recent events. Maybe the only way that we can completely make any sense about something that we have experienced is to put some time between ourselves and the event. Only after we have done that can we begin to find the greater meaning to the sum of a cluster of seemingly disconnected events.

Also, there may be another angle to this matter. I was watching Boston Legal on television tonight. In one of the cases considered, a girl was profoundly affected psychologically when she was sexually assaulted. The crux of the case was whether or not she should be allowed to take medication which would essentially enable her to "forget" the pain and mental anguish she continued to experience after the assault. An attorney opposing giving her that right argued that who we are, in a very large measure, is determined by the sum of our experiences. Without all our memories, what are we? What becomes of us when memories, good or bad, are washed away?

Our experiences shape us and form us. A pivotal experience can cause us to radically revise the way we see ourselves and the world or which of two roads to take. Critical experiences alter the way we understand how the world actually works. The good experiences as well as the bad and painful ones.

I have come to believe that a lot of the painful, difficult things which have happened to me over the last couple of months are part of something larger which is happening in my life. I see myself changing significantly in fundamental ways. I don't fully understand the nature of these changes just yet, but in time, I will. But that understanding will come only after this particular scene from my life has played itself out to the end and the next scene begins. Losing a job or totaling my car were just two events which in themselves had no particular significance. Only when considered in retrospect and in context will their meaning eventually become clear to me.

I have been somewhat distressed lately and maybe a little frustrated. I wanted to immediately be able to understand why these things were happening to me, one catastrophe after another, in rapid succession. Why was G'd doing this to me? I was demanding immediate gratification in this matter, and I wasn't getting the "answers" I wanted. Now I am beginning to understand that sometimes we have to be patient and bide our time, until things that happen to us can begin to make any sort of sense.

Thankfully I don't see any new disasters en route to befall me on the current horizon, at least for the moment. But then one never knows how long this peaceful lull will last, so I will keep a sharp eye out so that I can gird myself for the next bumpy stretch before it gets here. In the meantime, I will just have to do what I have to do to keep things on as even a keel as I can.

When I do reach that moment of understanding, everything that I have been trying to figure out will become very clear. And just in time, too. Because right after that happens, I will be starting the next scene of my life. I don't have a clue as to what will happen to me in the next chapter of the story. But I am sure of one thing. It ain't going to be dull. It never is.