A Stranger Even To Myself
A lot happening today. Preparations for Mom's 98th birthday. My brother, Charles and Jackie, his wife, in town. A personal commitment for tomorrow night.
Had dinner with them and with my mother tonight. This evening felt a little strange. Over the last several years, I have transformed myself into this pretty efficient person... this administrative kind of fellow. And the sort of place I find myself in often now and preoccupied with is a bank. Who is this person? I do not know this person. My demeanor has changed. The way I handle myself has changed. Why? More than just the anti-depressant I take and the therapy I went through and the auto crash... I have become another person. I have made a major paradigm shift in my thinking.
Tonight I was trying to remember what it was like to be the old me. I couldn't.
I have become the person I set out to become. A consistent person. A reliable person. A self-assured and confident person. A more disciplined person. A happier person. A more stable person. A person who has achieved some balance in his life. A person who has developed a sixth sense about having reached a point at which his plate is beginning to get too full. A person who is prioritizing and scheduling only what needs to be done or which he enjoys doing, for the most part.
Who the hell is this person? Now when I look in the mirror, I do not exactly recognize the person that I see. Of course it is me. But it is the new improved me. And it is only now, after the changes, that I am beginning to fully understand who and what I have become. Not so much a stranger in a strange land, as much as a stranger inhabiting my body... a stranger I must come to know and understand, because that stranger is me.
Had dinner with them and with my mother tonight. This evening felt a little strange. Over the last several years, I have transformed myself into this pretty efficient person... this administrative kind of fellow. And the sort of place I find myself in often now and preoccupied with is a bank. Who is this person? I do not know this person. My demeanor has changed. The way I handle myself has changed. Why? More than just the anti-depressant I take and the therapy I went through and the auto crash... I have become another person. I have made a major paradigm shift in my thinking.
Tonight I was trying to remember what it was like to be the old me. I couldn't.
I have become the person I set out to become. A consistent person. A reliable person. A self-assured and confident person. A more disciplined person. A happier person. A more stable person. A person who has achieved some balance in his life. A person who has developed a sixth sense about having reached a point at which his plate is beginning to get too full. A person who is prioritizing and scheduling only what needs to be done or which he enjoys doing, for the most part.
Who the hell is this person? Now when I look in the mirror, I do not exactly recognize the person that I see. Of course it is me. But it is the new improved me. And it is only now, after the changes, that I am beginning to fully understand who and what I have become. Not so much a stranger in a strange land, as much as a stranger inhabiting my body... a stranger I must come to know and understand, because that stranger is me.
posted by hfireman | 10:58 PM
1 Comments:
I knew this would happen. It was just a matter of time. There aren't too many people in this world with your kind of attitude. You just had to turn the focus on yourself for a bit. The crash allowed you to do just that. You started asking yourself questions with an "I" in them. What do "I" do now? "I" need to take care of myself, "I" want to make the best out of this situation...and now you are just answering all those questions. I am pretty happy for you. I am glad the transformation is happening. Also you are a pretty well rounded, great person, and great friend. It is awesome to know you are feeling better, much happy, still very humble. Thanks much dear friend!
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