A Last Look Back Before Moving On

I have made a journey in my mind, since January 3rd, when my auto accident occurred. While I was making the journey, it seemed like one which would never end. But in reality, it was just a trip along a side road on which I had never intended to travel... but I did anyway.

Even at the moment of impact of my car into another car, the experience was surreal. I had been struggling to stay awake all the way from the airport. Just after dusk, driving non-stop on the beltway in the drizzling rain finally lulled me to sleep. I cannot tell you what happened between the time I dozed off and the moment I was jarred awake by the crash. Half-awake, I tried to cut through the fog in my mind. Little by little, I became aware that the air bag had activated and that the car was wrecked. I saw smoke rising out of the engine compartment and I fumbled to disengage the seat belt and to open the driver side car door. I got out of the car as quickly as I could because I feared the car might catch fire.

Looking back, I can tell you what was happening to me that evening and what I did after the accident. But a memory like this plays tricks on me. It is almost as if my memory of the experience is something I dreamed one night, the kind of memory that is fuzzy at best and the kind about which I have to ask myself if it really happened. Of course, I know it did. But I suspect we do not remember traumatic events in our lives with absolute clarity, because our brain will not allow us to do so.

This traumatic event has brought a concentrated focus to my life. In a heartbeat, after I got over the initial shock, I could clearly understand what was important in my life and what was not important. I could clearly understand what was right in my life and what was not right. These realizations have been irrevocably seared into my soul. I will never be the same person that I was before this. As time passes, I will not be so focused on the events of January 3rd and during the aftermath as I am at this moment. But I know with a certainty that now I place an enormously higher value on being alive than I did before the accident.

I always used to think that if we experienced a traumatic episode in our lives, that our lives would be forever scarred or damaged. Now I know that is some truth to that, but that there is also another side to such an experience. In struggling to overcome the effects of such events, we also grow stronger and more focused. Realizing that I could have died in the accident, I come out of all this with a fierce commitment to make the most of what remains of my life. I am able to define my values and my priorities with much greater clarity and what might have been difficult choices in the past, are much easier to make now.

Shit happened. I have paid a high price for my lapse of judgment, but I am alive... and a stronger person for having gone through this traumatic experience. Today was the first day since the accident that I felt like I was living a normal day, from beginning to end. I guess that it is now time to put all this behind me as best I can and to move on. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Kindest regards,

Howard Fireman
Houston, Texas
USA