A New Reflection in the Mirror

I have changed. In previous posts to my blog, I have observed that I have evolved into a very different person than I was before. But it was only today that I gleaned some insight into the new person into which I have morphed.

Best to start out with to the sort of person I was. I had real issues with self-esteem. I was always feeling that in what I did or said, I disappointed other people. There was nothing I could ever do or say that would make any measurable difference in the world, ever. I cannot tell you how many times I felt the need to justify my existence in the universe to other people... and sometimes even to myself. I pursued either the wrong goals or certifiably unattainable dreams and aspirations. Or at least dreams and aspirations which carry with them a considerable personal cost. All I knew is that for most of my life I wanted to be something "big." I wanted a place in history... I wanted to make a difference... in literature or business or anywhere. I tried to live up to the accomplishments of my brothers, both of whom are very talented and very successful. I felt unworthy or praise and when I received it, I felt very uncomfortable. For that, my therapist suggested the simplest of solutions. She told me to simply say, "Thank you." and then to just move one. I was an unhappy mess who pushed myself into a near nervous breakdown about four or five years ago.

Then one day about three years ago, after a very productive year and a half of intensive therapy, I was finally capable of making the difficult decision to do whatever it was going to take to turn my life around and to finally be able to move on in my life. So I just took things one day at a time. I tried to figure things out a little bit at a time and over time my life began to come together and make more sense with each passing day.

Now I am doing free-lance work in business and starting to build a modestly successful business. Once again, I am getting involved in doing things that I truly enjoy. And with regard to relationships, things are good and getting better by the day. The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle are slowly filling in the empty spots. Now I know who I am and who I am not. I know what I like and what I don't. And I have found out where I fit in the universe and I have learned to make the most of who I am. Most importantly, I now know that I will make a difference in the world, but I will make a difference in my own unique way. My being here on this planet will make a difference, even if it is only a small one. I feel good about myself. Whatever anyone else thinks of me now, oh well! At this moment, life is good. Now as I look in the mirror each morning, I like the person I see.

For the longest time, I was having a harder and harder time remembering what I was like just a few years ago. I was so busy living in the moment that I didn't give the past very much thought. Today I received an email from someone who was very pivotal in my life in the difficult years just before I crashed and burned. Suddenly a lot of memories flooded back into my brain and I had memory flashes of the painfully limited person I was not so long ago. My past stood side by side with my present for just a moment and only in that brief moment did I realize how truly far I have come in just a few short years.

I am looking in the mirror of life right now. I am seeing a new reflection in the mirror. I very much like what I see. Very soon, this new image will be one that I will expect to see. And the one that used to stare back at me will become an increasingly distant memory.

Is this what happens when we grow and change over time? At least in part. We begin to see ourselves a little bit differently with the passage of each day. After awhile, we will have reinvented ourselves and transformed ourselves into people who are reasonably functional human beings. Our past remembrances of what we once looked like just fade away, along with the perceived failures, the pain, the sadness, the depression or the unhappiness that we had experienced at the time. I call that a good thing.

I am very thankful that I was able to muster the resolve, the courage and the strength to risk making the difficult rite of passage one goes through at times like that. I am thankful I had people who loved me and stood by me while this was happening. Not every one does. Not everyone succeeds. Bottom line: I am a very fortunate fellow. That fellow I see in the mirror now... not too shabby. Not at all!