Stop the World! I Want to Get On!

A long time ago, when I was going through cycles of depression, I always had a sense of what I was up against. If I was going down, I knew I would be in the valley for awhile, but that sooner or later the depression would bottom out. And then I would start back up. And when I feeling really good, I knew that very soon I would peak and then I was on the way back down again. That was my roller coaster ride with inevitable ups and downs.

Now, there are no highs and lows No mood swings. My moods fall within a pretty narrow range somewhere in the middle. Now, when my best laid plans do not seem to be working, my whole world goes gray and I enter this period of finding it difficult to motivate myself to be excited about very much and I lose my focus and forward momentum. When I am like this, my life just stuck on a plateau and going nowhere very quickly.

When I stall out, I am struggling to find answers. I am struggling to figure out how to rekindle that fire in my belly. And really, it is not the answers I am looking for so much as the questions. I am looking for a reason to feel alive again and to get moving in a forward direction.

Wait now. How is it that I so easily forget how I guided myself out of the era of living with depression? Things I already know.

• Take life one day at a time... and if necessary, one hour at a time.
  
• If possible, get through the day and be able to look back and conclude that for the most part it was a good day. Do the same thing the next day and the next day, until good days rather than bad days become my norm.
  
• To get the momentum going, figure out the direction I want to be heading and then just put one foot in front of the other.
  
• Get back among people and stop withdrawing from the world.
  
• Start doing the things that make me feel alive, things about which I am passionate.
• Call friends and plan social events.
  
• Set goals. Set the destinations I want to reach in the journey. If I know where I am going, I am already gone. [Sondheim]
• Stop being angry about things or at people. I cannot always control what happens to me or how people are dealing with me. But I do have control about how I react to external events or how I choose to react to the people around me. That is a choice I can make to make the going smoother.
  
• Make a list of what I need to do tomorrow. One that is not too long.
  
• I need to smile more and to be pleasant to others as much as possible.
  
• Always remember that life is what it is. Whatever happens, I need to keep my cool and logically figure out what needs to be to deal with a challenge.
  

These things I know have tumbled onto the page in no particular order. I guess it really doesn't matter what order they are in. This is not a doctoral dissertation. Just a blog entry that I am writing to clear my head.

I know that when I was putting in long hours and was living very obsessively lately, in the effort to build my business, that would work for me for only so long. After awhile, for many reasons, my body would rebel against the abuse to which I was subjecting it. Time after time, I would hit a wall and I had to slow down for awhile.

But I am chomping at the bit to get moving again. My game-plan is to write this and read it again in the morning, when I am not so tired. Anyway, I a ready to be past this funky mood I have been in for 3 to 4 weeks. Enough!

It feels like there is still something holding me back. What is that something? Not entirely sure. However, three things are certain: I am not going to figure out the answer to my dilemma tonight, I need to set an appointment with Barbara Abramowitz, my therapist, and I need to go to bed.

Goodnight.