Returning for a Visit to Inside My World...

I have not been back to visit this place for a very long time. Reading some of my postings from 2006 and 2007 cause me to ask myself what fellow could have written about such an eclectic mix of topics and peered into the soul with such insight. Sure, I know I wrote those pieces. But that I could have done so utterly amazes me now.

When did I have the time to do that? These days I am so busy growing a business that I barely have time to sleep, much less write blog posting that do not have to do with business. Or maybe the question ought to be, how was it that my mind was uncluttered enough to "see" through the clutter and distractions of each day... to be able to see beyond the everyday, beyond the practical and the mundane.

As I am now, I feel a sense of loss. Yes, I have faced down my demons. Yes, I no longer beat myself for all the things I could have been or should have been. Yes, I have made peace with myself and cut myself some slack. Yes to all these things. But at what cost?

When there was a level of psychological pain in my life, there was a greater level of energy and a heightened level of emotional awareness. If my life was chaotic back then, it also took me to places and to people with whom I would not have otherwise interacted. True, there were moments I almost put my life in harm's way, by choice. What I am talking about is the way that reporters covering a war zone feel while they are there. For them, life will never seem so real or so thrilling or exciting after they leave the war zone and return to "civilization." One experiences this heightened sense of being alive. And that phenomena is a real conundrum.

So I have temporarily returned to this place again. Instead of leaving all my musings within the walls of my therapist's office as I have been doing lately, maybe I will begin to share them again with those of you who stumble back on this literary backwater.

For a time, I am back.See y'all soon!

Howard Fireman

Too Tired to think. Too tired to move.

It is Saturday. I should be relaxing, chilling out, going to the movies... just doing something that does not fall under the category of work. But that is not what is happening.

Here I am in front of the computer. For at least 4 or 5 hours, I have been trying to motivate myself to do the last little bit of work for this accounting client. I have been losing that battle. I am losing the war.

So what am I to do?

One voice inside me says, put it aside. Get some rest and hit it again on Sunday, when you have recharged your batteries. Another voice says that it is maybe an hour's work, and you will be done. My body and my mind say they hold with the former. Enough is enough. Working five and a half days a week is enough! Stop working and rest.

So what should I do?

To the title of this piece, let me add... too tired to make a decision. I will pull a Scarlett O'Hara.. you know: "Tomorrow is another day." In this case, procrastination seems to be a perfectly logical thing to pursue and that is exactly what I will do.

Decision made.

Howard Fireman

Late June 2010