Before I Call It A Night, A Final Thought About Why I Blog

I wrote a post awhile back about why I continue to write my blog. I have my own take on the world. I wanted to pick up on those thoughts tonight.

I catch images that no one else sees. I see something or someone, and I get an insight into something I did not understand before. I read something that crystallizes an idea better than anything else I have ever read. I have to struggle with my own life and the way I work things out is to write. So my attempts to sort things out in my own life end up in this weblog. I am not one of the shakers and movers of the world. I am one of those fellows who observes the world as it transforms itself each day and I report those transformations to you.

By updating this blog, I am sharing with you all the sights I have observed, the sounds I have heard, the happenings of the day and the events of my own journey through life. It is my hope that what I share with you may be something you will find useful and interesting. By doing this, I am trying to useful and to give something back to the world, even to people I may never even meet, face-to-face.

The thing I do best in life is to write. And the best way I can share my experiences and observations with you is to write them down for you to read.

More Writings on A Wall - Disney World, The Land Pavilion, Epcot

Selling our Souls to Realize the American Dream

People in many countries may express anger or resentment of the United States for things this country has done. But at the same time, these same people very much envy what we have in terms of our standard of living. It is within the grasp of most Americans to grab at least a small piece of the American dream.

To grab a piece of the American dream... what exactly does that mean? It means mostly, if we are willing to pay the price asked, we can possess certain things. For some people, it is the possession of a lot of material things. For others, it is the pursuit of fame, of power, or of social or professional status. In this country, it is usually the pursuit of more... more of whatever it is we want to possess, especially wealth. The more, the better. And for most of us, this can become an addiction, so that no matter how much we have of what we covet most, it will never be enough.

It would be very nice if we could lay the blame on the self-serving corporations who stoke our desires with a constant stream of ads for everything our hearts could desire. But that wouldn't be very fair or honest on our part. We have to acknowledge that these corporations are just giving us exactly what we are demanding. If we have lost any sense of self-restraint... if we have completely lost our sense of perspective and most of our common sense, it is our own damn fault.

So we have only ourselves to blame if we clutter our lives with a lot of baggage we really have little need for. If the shows we watch, the music we listen to and the movies we go to are in general really very mediocre and in general moronic, that is what we have been clammering for. And if the politicians we elect are inept, clueless, corrupt, unresponsive to our needs and in too many cases entirely useless as representatives of the people, we richly deserve what we get out of them. And if as a people, we continue to buy things which we can't afford and which, in reality, we don't actually need, who can we blame but ourselves. And all the while we are hopelessly putting ourselves into increasingly higher debt.

If that were all there was to say about this abysmal state of affairs, I could stop right here. But there is one additional dimension to what we have done to ourselves as individuals. In a free society like ours, we are allowed to make many decisions for ourselves. We are entitled, for the most part, to establish our own priorities as we see fit. As citizens of a free society, we are expected to assume certain responsibilities, to preserve the rights, privileges and freedoms for which so many men and women have fought and died. And one of those decisions we can make is to choose not to accept those responsibilities or to place them very low on our list of priorities.

Too many of us are too caught up in a self-destructive pursuit of the American dream. We get very busy and so focused on building our little kingdoms, that we are very much in danger of losing our values and our souls. Power can corrupt even the most well-meaning of men and women. An addiction to material wealth or success or the pursuit of fame can lead even the most ideal of people to pathways that will eventually destroy their lives. As a people, we are willing to put ourselves into unbelievable levels of indebtedness, just so we can look good in the eyes of others... or worse, so that we can momentarily feel better, when we fear that we have failed to do that. The whole notion of success has been warped and twisted into something unrecognizable and without merit.

It is ironic, that some of the most wealthy Americans are those who live simply and quietly among us. They do not live ostentatiously and they are for the most part really invisible to us. They don't have to prove anything to anyone. And most of them use their credit cards sparingly and wisely, because to do otherwise would make little sense to them.

The rest of of live tenuously, overextended financially, and living beyond our means. For the most part, we have little to show for all the money and time we have squandered to acquire our "treasures." After awhile, after we have realized the terrible price we have paid to buy into the American Dream, all these things which we have acquired cease to have much meaning or value. We discover this terrible truth, usually only after it is to late to escape the costly consequences of our poor judgment.

We have sold our souls. We have compromised the very values which defined us, to pursue success, however we defined that goal. We may have bankrupted our lives in pursuit of something that probably never existed in the first place.

The terrible irony about all this is that the rest of the world wants to be just like us. Maybe we would do the rest of the world a huge favor if we clued them into what they were actually getting themselves into. Better yet, we would do the next generation of American kids coming up a huge favor, if we clued them into the realities of success in America and of the realities about the "American Dream"... that, in fact, that dream can morph itself into a nightmare from which it is truly difficult to extricate oneself.

A Reality Check - 1

Writings on a Wall... Disney World, The Land Pavilion

A Last Look Back Before Moving On

I have made a journey in my mind, since January 3rd, when my auto accident occurred. While I was making the journey, it seemed like one which would never end. But in reality, it was just a trip along a side road on which I had never intended to travel... but I did anyway.

Even at the moment of impact of my car into another car, the experience was surreal. I had been struggling to stay awake all the way from the airport. Just after dusk, driving non-stop on the beltway in the drizzling rain finally lulled me to sleep. I cannot tell you what happened between the time I dozed off and the moment I was jarred awake by the crash. Half-awake, I tried to cut through the fog in my mind. Little by little, I became aware that the air bag had activated and that the car was wrecked. I saw smoke rising out of the engine compartment and I fumbled to disengage the seat belt and to open the driver side car door. I got out of the car as quickly as I could because I feared the car might catch fire.

Looking back, I can tell you what was happening to me that evening and what I did after the accident. But a memory like this plays tricks on me. It is almost as if my memory of the experience is something I dreamed one night, the kind of memory that is fuzzy at best and the kind about which I have to ask myself if it really happened. Of course, I know it did. But I suspect we do not remember traumatic events in our lives with absolute clarity, because our brain will not allow us to do so.

This traumatic event has brought a concentrated focus to my life. In a heartbeat, after I got over the initial shock, I could clearly understand what was important in my life and what was not important. I could clearly understand what was right in my life and what was not right. These realizations have been irrevocably seared into my soul. I will never be the same person that I was before this. As time passes, I will not be so focused on the events of January 3rd and during the aftermath as I am at this moment. But I know with a certainty that now I place an enormously higher value on being alive than I did before the accident.

I always used to think that if we experienced a traumatic episode in our lives, that our lives would be forever scarred or damaged. Now I know that is some truth to that, but that there is also another side to such an experience. In struggling to overcome the effects of such events, we also grow stronger and more focused. Realizing that I could have died in the accident, I come out of all this with a fierce commitment to make the most of what remains of my life. I am able to define my values and my priorities with much greater clarity and what might have been difficult choices in the past, are much easier to make now.

Shit happened. I have paid a high price for my lapse of judgment, but I am alive... and a stronger person for having gone through this traumatic experience. Today was the first day since the accident that I felt like I was living a normal day, from beginning to end. I guess that it is now time to put all this behind me as best I can and to move on. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

Kindest regards,

Howard Fireman
Houston, Texas
USA

Something Borrowed - 012307

A Question

When was the last time something that you read unsettled you?

from an advertising section of the Sunday edition of the New York Times, Jan 21, 2001

Going From Here to There... Wherever "There" Turns Out to Be

Well, folks, this is day 2 or 3 of the next part of my life. I have put one foot in front of the other a couple of times now and I am starting to move on.

I have to figure out what the "big" question of the moment is. That is, I need to do first things first, now that the landscape of my life has been substantially changed. So what is that first thing I need to be doing here and now?

I am trying to get a sense of my present situation. For me, it is sort of like sitting in a theater watching the tech crew change sets between scenes of a play. The storyline of the play is that of my life, and I haven't seen the script for the next scene or for the acts to follow, so I am not sure what the new set will look like. Actually no one does, because that part of the script hasn't even been written. All I know is that all the props for my job are gone. The wreck of my Hyundai has been moved off-stage. A few other changes. Nothing tragic or dramatic here. Just life happening, so I am feeling few regrets. Things change over time and that is just how life is.

I am looking to see what is still left on the stage. I see the set for my home and my family. Off to the right is part of the synagogue where I belong and where I am a teacher. A character on-stage bears a striking resemblance to my good friend, Roland. Some of the players who are more or less peripheral characters in the story of my life are wandering across the stage still. Only now there are fewer than there were before.

For the moment, even the tech people are not sure how to replace those things which have disappeared from the landscape of my life. There is an uncertainty about what comes next and I am afraid that is somewhat my fault. I have put off making some very important decisions... I have procrastinated in deciding what I am going to do next in my life. I am running out of time. I am running out of money. And running out of money has forced me to move quickly to find a job. Cash flow, you know. The green stuff is becoming a little scarce.

The fellows on the stage look out in the audience at me for some kind of clue as to what kind of props they should try to find. I tell them to give me a few days and I let them know.

That is how I see all this playing out for me. Sort of like Roxie, in Chicago. Each step towards her trial turned into a splashy Broadway production number. Well, for me, it is the set of play, and nothing can be done until the next scene and the next act is actually written. And I have to make that happen.

You are saying this is all nice visual stuff, but what does it really mean?

At the moment, I am essentially running an inventory of my life. Certain elements of my life have simply disappeared. Some things have changed. What is important is what is still left. What do I have remaining with which to put my life back together again in a rational way that could possibly work out okay.

I do have a wonderful family. My wife, two daughters and their husbands, a terrific granddaughter and a very large extended family. So long as I remember that, I won't feel alone or isolated or without moral support.

I have a few very good and very true friends, which is as much as any honest person can actually claim to have. So again, I am not alone in what can be a very lonely world.

I belong to a small synagogue. The real virtue of that small community is that is is a supportive community that has made me feel that I have a meaningful place within it. I make a difference there. I am valued by the community and I value inclusion in that community in return.

I do some volunteer work and so there is another place in this city where I have a place and where I make a difference.

And most of all, at those times when I can keep a clear head, I have my own self-respect and a healthy dose of self-esteem, without ever going to the extreme of being overly impressed with myself. I have a pretty clear sense of who I am, now.

The only question which remains is what do I want now? Right now?
An important question with an easy answer. I just want to be working again. Once I am working and the money is coming in again, everything else will fall into place, all things being equal. As they say, first things first. Because I am heading towards survival mode, financially, and this is what I need and want at the moment. I have to act on this matter immediately.

So there you have it. What I have in my portfolio of assets. What I need to be doing in the immediate present. Now life is going to become a little easier for me because I know what I need to do asap.

I have taught the kids in my Sunday school classes that the most important thing we can do in our lives is to carefully frame the questions we pose to ourselves, when life presents good times or bad times. If we don't ask good questions, how the hell are we ever going to get answers that are worth anything at all. I just figured that I would follow my own advice.

When things are off-kilter, life is not very much fun at all. I have a lot I will need to do and I have a long way to travel in time before my life will begin to resemble something reasonably "normal." So I will just take things one day at a time, until things begin to turn around for the better.

This is the end of my progress report. Pilgrim's Progress, Chapter 79 or something like that. Stay tuned because the next chapter might just be a thriller... or not.

Kindest regards,

Howard Fireman
Houston, Texas
USA

Winter Poem

It’s December.

Outside, the sky is cloaked

in muted shades of gray.

Chill winds blow in

from the north

Chill winds of life

blow down through time

and touch my soul.

In my mind’s eye

I see a photograph

of three young girls

amidst new fallen snow

with arms and eyes upraised

in wonderfully unfettered joy.

Their timeless sky is gray.

Their wind is chilled .

And yet

their sunlit souls

are not yet burdened

by life’s truths

we learn o’er time.

Their eyes still seeing

the world about

untainted by

the sadness of experience.

Three innocent young girls

amidst the gloom and chill

of winter’s pall

find only wonder and delight

in falling snow on a winter’s day.

Eventually we all grow up

In time, we lose first wonder

then delight.

We can’t go back

to what we were.

But maybe I can

once more see the world

through their young eyes,

if only for

a fleeting moment

now and then,

so that my poor battered soul

can find a momentary respite

in the wondrous visions

of three young girls

amidst new fallen snow.

Howard Fireman, Written in 2002 or 2003

On the Way to Getting My Life Back on Track

I cannot clearly remember the last time that I felt really good about things or when I really felt like a nominally functional person. It wasn't all that long ago, to be sure, but at the moment I would be hard pressed to tell you exactly when I did. At the moment, my life has a lot of loose ends. A lot of things have happened to me over the last couple of months. I haven't done a great deal of meaningful writing in that time and as a result a lot of the recent past is something of a blur in my memory.

I can pick out specific events. A very pleasant vacation in December. Two auto accidents and in the second accident, a near brush with death. The company I worked for was bought out and my job disappeared. A moment at a stone-setting at a cemetery when I realized that had the second accident turned out differently, I could be interred there rather than being standing above ground, very much alive. My youngest daughter and her husband left Houston to live in London. But of all the moments in between, I have little or no recollection of at this moment.

But I am going to recover from all the setbacks and shocks to my life. I know that I am finally starting to get things back on track because I am doing something I haven't done in awhile. I am starting to frame the critical questions I need to be asking myself. In such periods of our lives, we have to start with asking ourselves well-framed questions... important questions... focused questions. Why? Because if we don't ask those sorts of questions, we can't find the answers/resolution to our problems and issues.

I guess I already knew that. It is just that I have had to contend with a lot of things of late, and I wasn't thinking very clearly. What I needed was some distance from all the setbacks and distractions. With each passing day, I am being given that distance and I remembered tonight what questions I needed to be asking myself right now.

I seem to have lost any sense of structure to my life. How am I going to rebuild that structure so that once again I will have something to which I can look forward every morning?

What do I need to do to get organized again?

What do I need to do to get employed again?

What do I need to be doing to feel good about things again?

What do I need to do first, then second, etc?

Who do I need to help me get through this impasse in my life, because I will not get on with my life only on my own efforts? I am going to need the love, encouragement and support of my friends and my family to get through this.

Even in the best of times, there are going to be problems and obstacles to be overcome. I have been through periods like this earlier in my life, some of which were a lot worse than this one. I got through them in the past and I will get through this particular bumpy part of my life in one piece and in good spirits.

I am starting to feel a little better. That is definitely a good thing. However, now it is time to do something very proactive about this situation. It is time to roll up my shirt sleeves, get off my rear end, find the answers and most importantly, take corrective action. It is a start. Only a start. And in large measure, it will mostly be up to me to do this. And I will say a prayer or two as I struggle back to reestablish a fragile equilibrium in my life. It certainly can't hurt my cause.

I am going to give myself time to heal. It took awhile for my life to get this messy. It will take some time for me to make things right again. I am going to have to just take things one day a time. With each passing day, things will get a little better and in time, I will be able to breath a little easier. It is just going to take some time.

To Syfox, I want to say, thank you for stopping by from time to time and caring about what happens to me... for being such a thoughtful friend. To Roland and Sinath, please know that I could not have gotten through this without you. And to my daughters, Heather and Jennifer, to Parker, my beloved granddaughter, to my son-in-laws, Ben,and Tino, and especially to my wife, Marilyn, I love you all so very much and I profoundly need you all to be a part of my life. Your love, devotion and support are the most important reasons that I have for wanting to keep going, when my life has become difficult.

Life is never easy, but I have never been willing to let my spirit be broken by anybody or anything. And I am not going to start doing that now. I will keep you posted regarding this particular pilgrim's progress.

Kindest Regards,

Howard Fireman
Houston, Texas